She had made arrangements, many years before her death, to have her body donated to a medical university. She wanted to be of use even after her death. She wanted to give one last part of herself to others. But most of all, she didn‘t want any money to be spent for a burial or funeral service. She didn’t want any fuss made over her.
Receiving a gift was not a pleasant experience for my mother. For years, my Dad and I gave her presents only to see her face wrinkle with disapproval. Sometimes she would unwrap a gift and criticize what was inside: “Whatever possessed you to get this for me?” The item was either labeled as “too expensive,” or “too frivolous.” Her words were sometimes angry, indicating her disappointment at the way we had misjudged her wishes.
My mother was indeed a frugal woman, better at saving than spending. She rarely purchased clothes for herself. For years, she made many of her own dresses and knitted most of the scarf’s, mittens and socks. Non-handmade items of clothing that she wore were mostly hand-me-downs. As I grew to be taller than she by the time I was in my early teens, she took possession of the blouses, skirts, slacks and jackets that I had purchased for myself when they became too small for me.
When someone would give her a new pair of gloves or stockings as a gift, she would simply be silent and later we would see that the item had been hidden in the bottom drawer of the dresser that she and my father shared. It baffled me, and sometimes left me feeling helpless at holidays. Over the years, my father and I spent hours selecting presents that we thought might just be the one thing that would make her smile and say sincerely, “thank you, just what I wanted!” It didn’t happen and I never quite understood why.
Now I believe that in addition to modesty and thrift, she valued time more than money. The birthday cake that she made especially for me each spring required not just fresh ingredients but, skill, care and time to prepare.
Eventually, I got the message. I started knitting her vests and sweaters or making her a loaf of special bread when I visited her. In between holidays, I often purchased clothing, books, even jewelry with my mother in mind. I would use an item and then tell her I no longer needed or wanted it. When she was in her 70’s and 80’s she had a much more youthful wardrobe than most of her peers because of these hand-me-down gifts. And these humble presents seemed to respect her values more than any gift tied up with a bow of ribbon.
My Turn 