Paradox

Calliope, the calico cat, woke me up at 5:00 a.m., as she energetically chased her elusive tail around at the foot of our bed. Some mornings, it appears to be a tail out of her control. She whirls, spins, and then catches the tail with her own front paws. She looks surprised when it escapes her grasp. Sometimes, I wonder if she understands the tail is a part of her. It has been a year since we welcomed Calliope into our home. She is a muse in her own right and inspires many a good tale. She likes to spoon the back or belly of a sleeping 2-legged or four-legged family member, melding herself into another body. I view these as contradictions in her nature. She is able to be detached from her own physical self and also to merge with another being almost as if it was a part of her.

Calliope came to live with us several months after Dixie, a tuxedo cat who was part of our household for16 years, died. She was a lesson in contrasts as well: the seeming opposites of black and white in her coat that defined her. Dixie never learned to fully retract her claws and often inflicted injury on others. At times, she seemed gleeful in the way she could tease and torment Penny, a mixed-breed of part Beagle and part Brittany spaniel family member. At these times, we described her as the evil stepsister. She also had a keen intuitive sense about where my aches or pains of the day were located — choosing to sit right where it would hurt the most. The irony was, she would leave her usual solitude to be present with any family member who was experiencing grief or loneliness. At one time or another, all the other family members told her their sorrows and fears. At these times, she would settle not on a lap, but by the person’s feet appearing to watch and listen with attention.

My thoughts drift to observations about aspects of my life that seem incompatible. There are things that are difficult for me to admit, even to myself. There are parts of my life that bring up sadness. I would prefer not to experience these or to move away and beyond quickly to happier times or thoughts.

Now, I work to see my life more as I view Dixie and Calliope. The pleasant and the unpleasant are simply a part of the whole. Furthermore, it is the contrast, which gives meaning and forms the holy in my life.

For me it is doubt that allows me to have true faith.

It is the awareness of death that allows me to fully understand the value of life.

It is the sorrow in my life that enhances my joy.

The suffering has helped me to understand that healing can occur in many ways.