Even a Mouse

Anne, the high school student had finished shelving all the returned books. “Did you pick up the books that were on the tables?” I asked.

“Yes, and I straightened all the shelves,” she said.

“Thanks, then I guess we’ll see you on Monday,” I said.

She put on her puffy winter coat, wrapped the wool scarf around her neck, and pulled the knitted hat down to cover her ears. As she waved goodbye she tugged up the scarf to cover her lips and the tip of her nose. A wisp of cold air ghosted through the hall and around the corner where I sat at my desk reading review journals. The children’s room of the library was rarely quiet. This evening the only sound I could hear was Judy in the next room picking out picture books for next week’s story time.

It was just a few days past the winter solstice I could see the street lights come on shortly after four. It would have seemed less dark and less cold if there had been some snow on the ground. I heard myself humming the tune to “In the Bleak Midwinter.”

With the holiday break only a few days away children would have no homework. Anyone with any sense would be home baking cookies this afternoon I thought.

I glanced at the clock. Only about a half hour to go and the library would close.

The scream from the next room pierced my daydreams and brought me to my feet. “What’s wrong?” I yelled out to Judy. We almost collided head on at the door.

“It’s a mouse!” Judy said. “It’s over in the corner behind the puppet stage. You’ve got to catch it. I’m too frightened.”
I sighed. “Judy,” I said, “If I catch it I will have only three choices. I can put it outside, but it will likely come right back in. It obviously knows how to do that. My second choice would be to kill it and I’m telling you right now I could not do that.” I felt myself stalling for time because I knew there was only one choice. “Or,” I said, “I can keep it as a pet.”

“I don’t care what you do with it,” Judy said. “Just catch it.”

“Ok, keep an eye on it and I’ll be back in a minute.” I saw Judy roll her eyes, but I thought it was a fitting punishment for her silly fear of a mouse.

I climbed the circular black iron staircase to the staff lounge and found an empty coffee can in the trash. I wiped out the remaining coffee grinds and punctured a small hole in the plastic lid.

When I got back Judy was on a table, looking like the cartoon image of a woman afraid of a mouse. She pointed, “It’s over there now.”

I approached the mouse one slow step at a time. When I was close enough to see it’s ears twitch, I put the coffee can upside down over the mouse. Then I slid a piece of stiff paper under the can, flipped the can right side up and popped on the lid. I had done a lot of critter catching as a child, but never thought about this experience as a skill I could use on my résumé.

Judy gasped. From the opaque coffee lid I could see the mouse quavering in the corner.

The mouse and I went home together. Driving home, I named the mouse Hezekiah.

When my father asked what I wanted for Christmas, I said without hesitation, “I want you to build me a mouse house.”

My father was pleased with the request. It had been years since he had constructed a critter house. When I was a child, he had made one just for spiders with twigs sticking out from the inner walls. I could catch an interesting spider watch it spin it’s web between the twigs, then set the spider free. My father made a screen lid for a used aquarium. My friends and I carpeted the floor with moss. We filled a plastic bowl with fresh water and then put on the screen lid. We walked to the library to research what our guest would like for dinner. We learned that the Preying Mantis would sip water from a spoon held in front of it. We watched a toad shed its skin.

When I arrived at my parent’s home later that week for the long holiday weekend, Hezekiah’s new home was ready. The front and back were Plexiglas panels that slid up so that the water bottle and food could be refreshed. Dad had laid down a blanket of hard wood saw dust and constructed a zigzag exercise ramp that ran from the left to right, then right to left. The droppings could get cleaned out from the bottom each day. Hezekiah soon learned to go back in the coffee can while his house was cleaned.

The following Monday, Hezekiah came with me to work. Inside his new house he had a full view of the children and they had a view of him. He seemed to like to amuse his audience with running up and down the ramp or chewing on a used toilet paper roll. Three-year-olds looked up to him and giggled when he made his most breathtaking leaps. Even the most cynical twelve-year olds, stopped on their way in or out of the children’s room to greet Hezekiah.

At the end of the first week I received a copy of a memo written by the Supervisor of Technical Services to the Library Director. The title of the memo was “Rodents Threaten the Library.” The Director called an emergency meeting of Department Supervisors to discuss the matter. To my surprise, the children’s room staff took a united stand. They might not of cared for Hezekiah in the beginning but to call him a threat was laughable.

When the Department Supervisors met, sides had already been chosen. A compromise was worked out in writing and entered into the policy manual. It stated that any department that chose to keep a rodent as a pet must have 100% approval by the staff members in that department.

After that each staff member in the children’s room volunteered to help with Hezekiah’s care. Before the room would open each day one person had to clean out the droppings from yesterday and refresh the water and food. We all took a turn, even Judy. On Saturdays the library was only open until noon. On Sunday it was closed. We had to make sure that Hezekiah had enough food and water to make it through until Monday morning. In January snow began to fall. Schools closed for snow days and so did the library. By February there were ice storms. But when the library re-opened each time Hezekiah seemed happy to see us back. How would he survive if we did not return?

Then on the first warm day in March I arrived at work at noon since I would be working the night shift that day. Standing around my desk were four staff members clustered around Hezekiah’s house.

“We don’t want you to be upset,” said Grace.

“We know how much Hezekiah means to you,” said Pat.

“But, when I opened the door to clean out Hezekiah’s house he didn’t go into the coffee can. He just ran and disappeared,” said Anne.

“We’ve looked everywhere,” said Judy.

I looked from sad face to sad face and then I just couldn’t hold back the laughter any more.

“No doubt we gave that little mouse a winter vacation he won’t forget. Now it’s time for him to make a family of his own. He probably found his way out the way he found his way in.”

Trust the Dawning Future

The sun appears to slide towards the sea like a seductress waving scarfs while backing away inch by inch. The water mirrors the colors of the sky, splashing yellow, pink, salmon, and violet. Just when I think it is over, sun out of view, the clouds pick up the theme and intensify the colors in
a last attempt at enticement. It is as if the sun is still fluttering her scarfs from behind the closed door of night. Follow me she tempts.

After the sunset has given its last burst, little star patterns emerge from the darkness. The constellation we call Orion begins to rise from the southeast. Welcome back old friend, I think. Glad to know you are still doing well, still up for the good fight.

By morning the tide will be at its lowest ebb. Rows of sea birds will be sitting on the sand bars and the sunrise will turn the sky to yellow gold just before it pops above the horizon lighting the stage. I muse about how each of these, sunset, star sparkles, and the golden dawn are like jewels in an infinity chain. The eternal return is indeed what seduces me. My mortality is so insignificant.

We’ve spent four weeks at the beach and I feel like I have
been drinking in each sunset, gulping the gifts of sun, sea and, sandy ground.
Tomorrow we will pack our belongings and head towards home. The sunsets there
are small city slices between houses and tall trees. I lose touch with the
circularity of life. I miss the subtle spectacular repetitions of our circular
planet Earth and the wider view.  

We’ve spent four weeks at the beach and I feel like I have been drinking in each sunset, gulping the gifts of sun, sea and, sandy ground. Tomorrow we will pack our belongings and head towards home. The sunsets there are small city slices between houses and tall trees. I lose touch with the circularity of life. I miss the subtle spectacular repetitions of our circular planet Earth and the wider view.  

Was lost and now am found

A little while ago someone rang our doorbell. Most of the time that means when I open the door I will see a child trying to raise money for some thing, a Jehovah Witness, or someone wanting a signature on a petition.

This afternoon though, the woman standing at the door said “Are you the owner of Norman?” She said someone posted on the neighborhood association’s Facebook page that Norman the tortoise was missing. The woman at my door wanted to know if we had found Norman. She thought the Facebook page gave our address.

This strikes me as odd on so many levels. Why would this woman drive to someone’s house to see if they had found their missing tortoise? Was she coming to offer her sympathy or just curious? Am I mistaken or could a tortoise really move quick enough to make a break for freedom? And how could anything that big be lost? Does my neighborhood have an organization,and a Facebook page? If so shouldn’t someone have told me?

Of course the existential question is why would Norman leave home without even saying goodbye. After a little research on Facebook, I discovered that Norman’s family had taken him to a park. The park is in a nearby neighborhood — one that actually has a Facebook page. Norman’s family live somewhere not far from us but they did not give their address. Anyway, I hope the woman who rang our doorbell re-checked the Facebook page because Norman was found a little while ago. And now that I’ve seen a photo of him, I can see he does have an adventuring personality.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Statue of person holding drooping head with one hand

Tuesday morning I telephoned the doctor. I’d stayed awake most of the night wondering what I could have done that would cause my right shoulder to hurt. I certainly did not want to get an infusion of clotting factor, we had been enjoying a month at the beach and we had been there less than a week. I wasn’t actually sure I had a bleed in my shoulder joint. “It might just be arthritic pain from an old injury,” I said to the answering machine and asked the doctor to decide if I should get an infusion. The recorded message promised that a nurse would get back to me soon.

It had been years since pain in this shoulder had kept me awake. The first time I had an x-ray that showed previous injuries, joint damage, but not active bleeding. I went to a physical therapist and the pain eventually subsided although it came back whenever I didn’t keep the exercises up. I had no memory of a bleed in that shoulder, but the x-ray was proof.

The older I get the more previous injuries become painful. I feel ashamed that I can’t tell the difference each time a doctor says, “Why didn’t you call me sooner?” The implication is that I was in denial. That is probably at least partly true. However, I have also had false alarms and then the doctor’s scornful reproach implies hypochondria.

The next time I had pain in that shoulder was when we moved to Florida six years ago. That time I tried to return to the exercises but the pain got worse by the day. I had been packing and hefting books for our move to Florida. Motivated to meet the deadline for packing I suppressed my doubts until the pain became so intense I had no choice but to go to the Emergency Room and get infused. The doctor told me to rest the shoulder and wrote a prescription for a narcotic pain medication. Resting was not an option. The movers were coming in a day or two and we would be loading the car and driving south to Florida from Massachusetts whether my arm had healed or not.

We arrived in Tallahassee a few days before the moving van and settled the cat in our new house before the three of us checked into a motel. The next few days we spent shopping for essentials and delivering them to the house. We made frequent trips to the house to feed and reassure the cat. My arms loaded with supplies I missed a step and landed on the paved walkway to our new front door. Not only did I smash my glasses, bruising my face, I hit my right knee and landed on my shoulder, the same shoulder that had been injured packing books. That time it took several re-infusions of fibrinogen to subside and the doctor instructed me not to lift anything over five pounds.

So after calling the doctor’s office on Tuesday morning I waited, and waited, and waited. No return call as promised. Wednesday morning I called again and this time I was more sure of myself. The pain was worse. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” apologized the nurse. “I’ll schedule the infusion for this afternoon, can you get here by 2 pm?”

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”

Cartoon boy extending both arms appears to be wailing

—Charles M. Schulz

Miner’s Canary

I’m gasping for air, physically and emotionally. My eardrums haven’t vibrated sound for two weeks and I cough when I attempt to speak. None of the antibiotics or antihistamine’s I swallow help. When I get to a mirror I see my yellow face and blood-shot eyes staring back at me, looking frightened. I go back to bed and sleep another two hours.

The doctor said these new medications were safe, minor side effects, perhaps some rash or slight headache. I took a leap of faith and agreed to go down the mine.

People with bleeding disorders are like the canaries miners used. The canaries were crude measurement of the air quality. If toxic gasses leaked into the air in the mine, the canaries died, but the miners might still have time to get out of the mine alive.

People with bleeding disorders who regularly use blood products to survive are like those canaries. We were among the first to die of HIV in the 1980’s. We were also among the first to contract Hepatitis C. So when I learned that I had Hepatitis C, I was not surprised.

As I learned more about this slow-moving deadly virus, I decided to try the self-injected pegylated interferon and Ribavirin pills. The results were devastating and I came closer to dying than I had ever been before. That was twelve years ago.

Late in 2013 I learned there was a new drug available for Hepatitis C, a second had been approved by the FDA; it was due to be released in a few days, and yet another was in the final stages of testing and would most likely be available in about a year. I could use the two pills by themselves, without need of interferon or Ribavirin.

By mid March, I was taking the new pills, Sovaldi and Olysio. By the first week of April, I had experienced the known side effects. The doctor had advised large doses of antihistamines.

The next week, I began to cough. I slept for four days and four nights with brief awake time for pills and bathroom. “Sinus infection,” the doctor said, and I began a course of antibiotics. Two days later I couldn’t hear well out of either ear. “Ear infection,” said the doctor. “I’m going to switch the antibiotic and add in another antihistamine for you to take.”

A few days later I received a frantic call from the hematologist. “The lab results show your other clotting factors are abnormal and your bilirubin is elevated.” Since I was only half awake, I couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. I went back to sleep.

“Are you jaundiced?” the doctor asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

I managed to stay awake long enough to get a liver ultrasound and more lab tests drawn. So, now at the bottom of my birdcage, the doctor’s email message reads, “Stop taking the Sovaldi and Olysio.” Then he adds, “”This has never happened before…. I am so sorry… Another medication may get released by the FDA in October, we can try that one next.”

I’m not so sure I have the courage to go into the mine again. I’m using my time singing my song.

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
Maya Angelou