The Power of Positive Choices

Recently I saw a quote from Norman Vincent Peale posted on Facebook. “Live your life and forget your age.” I felt as if I had been hit with a jolt of indignation. Forget my age? I like my age! I can’t really take credit for it, but it came as an unexpected surprise when I celebrated my 62nd birthday. That’s not something I want to forget because, with a bleeding disorder there were lots of medical professionals along the way who predicted a substantially shorter life span for me. When I was twelve years old and too big to crawl under the desk, I did not morn that my body had grown. Why now would I want to feel sorry that at the age of 62 there are things I cannot do that were easy when I was younger?

However, that wasn’t the only reason why the quote set off a spark of anger.

When I was a child, one of my cousins would send me a subscription to Guide Posts each year. The magazine in the 1950’s was filled with anecdotes about the power of positive thinking. They offered an easy fix for all ills. Just pretend that there is nothing wrong and it will go away. My cousin hinted that the magazine was what a little girl with a severe bleeding disorder needed to be healed.

Now I like chocolate, it makes me forget my troubles, but I know it doesn’t make them go away. I also know that the only thing I can change is my attitude. Most of the time I am an optimist, but when I have negative thoughts I don’t want to sit in judgment by someone who thinks I am undermining my health.

What is healthy is to acknowledge that my bleeding disorder (like my age, my eye color, the gap between my two front teeth) is a part of me.

If my cousin thought that I lacked positive thinking, then he really didn’t know me. Yet, even as a child, I understood that positive thinking was not enough to make my body suddenly produce fibrinogen.

What angered me was that the underlying message seemed to be that if you were sick you didn’t have enough faith. I didn’t believe that having a bleeding disorder was my fault. It was not only foolish to pretend that having a bleeding disorder had no effect on my life; it was dangerous, both physically and emotionally.

After church one Sunday I saw a friend of mine who had undergone chemotherapy treatment for cancer and was now in remission.

I said, It’s wonderful to see you looking so well!

Her husband beamed and said with pride, “Yes, if you have the right attitude you can beat cancer.”

Without thinking, I responded, “Sounds like blaming the victim to me.

My friend’s face relaxed into a warm smile and nodded as her husband looked confused.

I believe she understood that if her positive thoughts could cure the cancer, then her negative thoughts might have caused it to occur in the first place.

So excuse me if when I look in the mirror I see a 62 year-old woman. Some days I like the way I look, some days I don’t, but I believe I would be foolish to wish that I wasn’t my age.

I Did It My Way

I’ve been working to update my “When File.” It’s a list of things to do when I die, like what places my beneficiary should notify in order to collect whatever life insurance or retirement funds remain. It also has information about who might want to receive a call, email or letter explaining that I have died. There are instructions on how to remove my email from the many listservs I belong to and passwords to close out my blogs, Twitter, and Facebook accounts. I don’t want to be one of those back-from-the-dead faces that pop up on a computer screen saying, “You and Elsie have five mutual friends, don’t you want to be Elsie’s friend too?” I happen to know that Elsie died four months ago. That means it is now too late to be her Facebook friend.
 
What my When File does not contain is instructions for any funeral or memorial service in my memory. Let the living plan whatever comforts them, I’m the one person who will not be there. I also haven’t made arrangements for disposal of my bodily remains. “Do whatever is the least expensive and least time-consuming,” I tell my spouse.
 
I know I will leave behind clothing, photographs and unfinished writing projects, but these I believe can be easily given away or tossed in the trash.
 
Of course one thing I do not know is when the When File will be used.
 
“She probably won’t live to be ten years old,” one doctor told my mother when I was eight. I wasn’t aware of the prognosis at the time, but I was aware that my parents treated time as precious. Relationships with people and with the earth were of the utmost value; acquiring objects were the lowest. They didn’t stop planning for the future, but the present took priority.
 
When one of my friends learned that she had liver cancer and would probably not live for more than a year she went on a search to complete her glass frog collection. Her friends all over the world began to look for the red frog she desired, focusing their love and concern for her on the task.
 
Another friend made her “bucket list” shortly after her fiftieth birthday, writing down all the countries she wanted to visit and all the adventures she wanted to try. The first items on her list included divorcing her husband, giving her daughter a dream wedding and purchasing a little house by the ocean. For years I received postcards from her and notes about completed items from the list. One note said, “I got my ride on a tug boat this summer.” Lately her email messages say more about the friends she has made in her new community, her grandchildren and how she has started dating again.
 
One of my cousins wrote instructions to her husband on how to cook meals, do laundry and take care of things on their own. In the last week of her life she stuck the notes on doorways, walls, the refrigerator and the washing machine.
 
When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.
—Greg Anderson

 

Con Artist

 
 
Every morning Patrick put the spoon down in the cereal bowl and slid off the chair until his feet touched the floor. He wiped the milk awa from his face with his shirtsleeve. When he got to the door he stood on tiptoes to turn the knob. Holding on the railing he climbed up the one flight of stairs and knocked on the second floor door. 

“My mudda didn’t give me anythin’ to eat.”

“Well that’s too bad,” Gram said noticing the milk mustache on his face. “I’ll scramble you an egg.”

Patrick put down the fork and burped when he had finished the last bite. He slid off the chair until his feet touched the floor.

“Bye,” he said shutting the door.

Holding onto the stair railing he walked up to the third floor apartment and knocked on the door.

“Daisy, my mudda didn’t feed me any breakfast.”

“What a shame,” she said noticing the yellow egg yolk stain on his shirt.

“Got any toast?”

“Sure come on in.”

Patrick finished the toast and slid off the chair. When he closed the door he said, “See ya tomorrow.”

You Say Tomato

Ripe tomatoes on a outdoor table

Uncle Bill picked a ripe tomato from the garden and rinsed the dust off under the garden hose. Then he sat down at the picnic table and surveyed our backyard. From the look of satisfaction on his face, Uncle Bill was getting great enjoyment from that fresh tomato. To my surprise, he took a large bite out of it, the way I would have bitten into an apple. I shivered, thinking about the acidity.

“Do you want some salt?” I asked.

“Nope, I like it just the way it is.”

I slid into the bench across from him and watched him closely, waiting for the tomato juice to dribble down his chin. It was so hot that afternoon, neither of us felt like talking anyway. We listened to the cicadas announcing the temperature with their clicking.

Languidly Uncle Bill took a second bite of the tomato, and then he took another. His short-sleeved shirt was spotlessly clean. By the time he finished that tomato, not one drop of juice had escaped his lips or stained his clothes. It seemed like a magic trick to me.

I was sure that my mother would have preferred to be outdoors like her brother Bill and me, but instead she was brewing tea for Auntie Anne. Two bone china cups and saucers would be on the table with a sugar bowl and a pitcher of milk. Auntie Anne would be chattering away like the cicadas while my mother listened and nodded politely.

Uncle Bill and his wife, Anne, were visiting us for a week. They lived in Toronto. Auntie Anne had grown up in England. She pronounced her words differently than we did. Mom said she was a “war bride.” I didn’t know what that meant.

“I can’t imagine what he sees in Anne,” my mother said after they had left. To my mother, Anne was an annoyance. When Auntie Anne unpacked her suitcase it contained several dresses, pointy-toed shoes and a hat decorated with artificial flowers. Mother thought Anne was superficial and vain. Anne’s appearance, religious beliefs and values were different from ours. “She’s not like us,” mother would say. For her brother’s sake, my mother kept this opinion to herself.

In February of 1964, Uncle Bill went out to shovel snow after dinner and died suddenly of a heart attack. He was 52 years old.

Five months later, Anne traveled alone to our house for a visit. Anne unpacked the hats and sundresses from her suitcase as usual. After supper she asked my father to bring out a deck of cards so we could play Bridge. Anne had met Bill, playing Bridge at the USO. Mom found it hard to imagine that her brother would have enjoyed such a pastime. It seemed foreign.

We were used to card games that were less complicated. We were in the habit of laughing and joking during a card game, not keeping track of what had been dealt and played.

None of us played Bridge; Anne said that didn’t matter. Patiently she instructed us in how to rotate shuffling the deck, passing it to another person to deal. She explained how to bid, name trumps, and lay out the dummy hand. Auntie Anne took Bridge seriously and in spite of our lack of interest, she insisted that we play each night together.

After that visit on her own, she would come and stay with us once each year. Since we only played Bridge when she was visiting, we needed a refresher each time. She tolerated our lackadaisical attitudes the way my mother had kept silent about her vanity. It seemed to me that Uncle Bill still had a hand to play and hearts were trump.

Adopting the Orphan

Today I had an infusion of the “new” fibrinogen concentrate. It’s not new, I say to myself, but it is improved. I remember using fibrinogen concentrate when I was a child.
 
My hematologist used it sparingly, knowing that it put me at risk. His attitude was that blood products were only to be used to save a life or prevent long-term damage.
 
It’s been more than forty years since fibrinogen concentrate was taken off the market. During the intervening years, I used cryoprecipitate and fresh frozen plasma to manage significant bleeds. They were considered safer, but there was no guaranty. These blood products were less effective than fibrinogen concentrate because they contained other parts of the blood that I already had in my system. I also started developing allergic reactions including hives and shortness of breath.
 
The new and improved fibrinogen concentrate has been scrubbed clean of viruses. That’s a good thing. In early 2009 the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) granted accelerated approval to human fibrinogen concentrate. The press release called it an orphan drug.
 
It’s true there won’t be many of us using this drug and it may not be profitable to the pharmaceutical company that produces it. It took me a while to decide to adopt it, to let go of the past and the future so that I could open up to the possibilities of the present.

“We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us.”

—David Seamans